Petunia Dursley: Ignorance Is Bliss
by minerva5
Summary: As she leaves Privet Drive to be forced under magical protection, Petunia reflects on how magic has ruined her life, relentlessly intruding on her happiness.


Petunia Dursley tried to conceal the tears brimming in her eyes as the car pulled away from her home, wondering if she would ever see it again. Vernon would have partially understood of course; but at the moment he was driving, and she didn't want Dudley to see her cry again, and especially did not want to share a bonding moment with the crackpot wizards who were ushering them to safety.

Vernon shared her contempt for the magical world, but managed to blindly wonder if it was all real, even now. Petunia knew her life was in danger, knew the fear, and just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. Even now, when it was turning her life upside-down. She cast her mind out to what possible explanation they would give this time…. Perhaps they could say the house had a sudden infestation of plague carrying rodents? Or a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to tour, er, New Zealand or something. Or maybe she could claim Harry blew the house up with some kind of secret methamphetamine production accident. If things were really as dangerous as all that, it would probably be blown up within weeks. She wondered vaguely if there was any way to monitor it to find out when (if?) it happened.

It was just so unfair. She had about eleven blissful years of childhood innocence, leading a normal existence with someone who seemed a normal sister. And then… well, first Lily's new best friend made sure Petunia is not invited to play. Then there was that humiliating incident with the letter to Dumbledore. Petunia still was unsure why she had written and was so mortified that the letter was ever delivered at all, let alone snooped into; and the teasing that followed was painful. Petunia never really wanted to go to Hogwarts, though she did ask it of Dumbledore. She just wanted to belong somewhere, and was hoping it was the same somewhere that Lily belonged. Lily had a certain confidence, a sure knowledge of her role in the world. She and Severus both did. Severus was poor, but handsome, powerful… and he was very clear that Petunia did not belong in his league. And Petunia… well, now that she knew wizards existed, she felt as if she didn't belong in her own world anymore. Ignorance IS bliss. Knowing that swirling around her was war and spells and wonderful and terrible things made the world a frightening place. And knowing that she couldn't touch any of it, and was helpless to see or defend herself from those dangers, was like being trapped in the suspenseful part of a horror movie forever.

And surely, surely she could find a way out? A way to leave all that magical stuff behind, and appreciate what she was rather than having a daily reminder of what she was not? To grow up, marry someone very normal and boring, and send bland polite greeting cards and a conventional vase for Christmas to Lily each year… it seemed like such a good plan. Perhaps it might have worked, much as it wrenched her heart each time she got in return a loving note and perfectly thoughtful present back. Lily refused to be bland. Her presents were frequently late, but so vivacious, and Lily was so capable of overlooking even serious slights. Like when she skipped the magical wedding, unable to bear it. Lily simply loved her as a sister should. When mum and dad died so young, Petunia knew all they had left was each other, but she couldn't bring herself to reach out and heal the breach. And Petunia was, shamed and enraged by it all.

Petunia's plan never had the chance to work properly. She'd only been married three years, with Dudley only a year old, just getting the hang of pretending she didn't have a sister, when life turned upside-down again. Lily was suddenly gone, and Harry forced upon her. Sure, she could have refused to take him… and watched the whole world explode. She understood exactly why she needed to keep Harry under her roof. The irony was that she now had an important and vital role in this great wizarding war, in housing young Harry, she was unable to feel any sense of satisfaction about it, because Vernon insisted that they continue to pretend none of it was real. Not that parenting someone who reminded her so vividly of the loss of Lily could ever have given her a sense of pride, but the twin blows of magic following her to her new adult home to force her to acknowledge it on a daily basis, and Vernon's … well, cowardice in facing it, really… it was just too much. Of course, Lily had merely kept frog spawn in her pockets and other small reminders. Harry? Raising him was a nightmarish series of endless haircuts, surgical pig tail removals, security bars ripped off to damage the framing, Marjorie blowing up like a balloon, fireplace explosion, Dementor attacks, candies that nearly suffocated Dudley… It was impossible to ignore, and nearly unbearable to endure. She wondered about Vernon's sanity, when he still tried to convince himself it wasn't real.

And yet even then there was a plan, to get away from this magic. Harry would surely leave their home as soon as he came of age, and then, finally, she could have a normal life again.

And as she drove away from Privet Drive, she realized the futility of all her plans. On the eve of getting Harry out of her home, she had lost her home altogether. Not to mention Vernon's job, Dudley's schooling, and simple things like knowing where to go to visit the market. It was much like how Severus described a squib, really: Petunia would remain painfully aware of and excluded from this magical world… forever. Somehow there would always be a reminder. He-who-must-be-named might maim Harry and for some inexplicable magical reason require her as Harry's nursemaid. It was in the family now: sister, nephew… what if it was a grandchild next? She would never, never be free to lead a normal, nonmagical life. All her frustration, focused through Lily and expanding into a whirling vortex of Dumbledore and James and Severus and Harry and He-who-must-not-be-named and now these freaks who were taking her to some magical God-knows-where for her safety. The world had not felt safe from the moment Severus told Lily what she was, and probably would never feel safe again.


End file.
